When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

A heart wrenching story about Trooper, my service dog

Trooper is my 10-year-old yellow labrador retriever and registered service dog. However, at the moment, this is not his official job. MS is notoriously well-known for its unpredictability and uncertainty. I'm thinking ahead in case I need his help later on. Whether I'm walking in the house or on a trail, Trooper amazes me every day with his innate ability to sense when to be by my side.

Trooper loves playing fetch and swimming in the river. He never gets tired, but my arm sure does. When I tell him, "That's enough for now, Trooper. Come over here, and I’ll give your belly a good rubbin’," I know he understands; in a flash, he is lying beside me. I always enjoyed this routine and looked forward to it every day. Trooper is my favourite big boy, and I wouldn’t give him away for anything.

Recently, Paul and I noticed that Trooper was lethargic and struggling to climb stairs. We both knew something was wrong when he stopped wanting to play fetch or take walks.

The next sign that old us Trooper wasn’t feeling well was when the ever-present sparkle in his eyes was replaced by sadness.

We took him to the First Pet Emergency Clinic to get checked by a veterinarian specializing in emergency care. Dr. Merideth ordered x-rays and a complete blood analysis. Less than two hours later, she told us he was bleeding internally and had a tumour on his kidney. 

I sobbed uncontrollably and could barely get the words out when I told Dr. Merideth that I couldn't stand to see him suffer. Paul and I decided to put Trooper down. 

Dr. Meredith wheeled Trooper in on a gurney. He was wrapped in warm towels; we could only see his sad eyes. I kissed his cheek, said goodbye and left the room in tears. Paul stayed with Trooper while the vet gave him a sedative injection that caused him to lose consciousness. A high and fatal dose of a drug called sodium pentobarbital followed.

Dr. Meredith's last words were, "It's imperative to allow yourselves time to grieve and heal. Although this was an emotionally difficult decision, it is a selfless act of love."

This may be true, but it sure doesn't take the pain away or heal the huge hole in my heart.

Before we left the clinic, we got a folder with information about grieving the loss of a pet. This folder also had the name and contact details of the grief counsellor at the clinic.

Paul and I looked at the folder the following day. The first paper was a poem titled When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love, me,
As much as I love you,
And each time you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
The thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile. 

But then I fully realized
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.
He said, “This is eternity,
And all I’ve promised you.
Today your life on earth is past
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way,
There’s no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?”
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.

David M. Romano
1993

It isn't easy to type with tears in my eyes.

I can’t get it together.

Whenever I see Trooper’s dog bed, I am overcome with sadness. I feel sick to my stomach every time someone asks me, “Where’s Trooper?”

I want to fall into a deep black hole and disappear forever. I miss him terribly and would do anything to bring him back.

Trooper was a member of our family, and his well-being was a top priority. He was my faithful companion, loved me unconditionally, and trusted me to keep him safe and happy.  

I let him down!

I feel guilty, ashamed, and responsible for his discomfort and unhappiness. I obviously missed some critical signs. I am very disappointed in myself!

I lost my dearest four-legged friend. 

My heart is forever broken.