Trooper is my 10-year-old yellow labrador retriever and registered service dog. However, at the moment, this is not his official job. MS is notoriously well-known for its unpredictability and uncertainty. I'm thinking ahead in case I need his help later on. Whether I'm walking in the house or on a trail, Trooper amazes me every day with his innate ability to sense when to be by my side.
Trooper loves playing fetch and swimming in the river. He never gets tired, but my arm sure does. When I tell him, "That's enough for now, Trooper. Come over here, and I’ll give your belly a good rubbin’," I know he understands; in a flash, he is lying beside me. I always enjoyed this routine and looked forward to it every day. Trooper is my favourite big boy, and I wouldn’t give him away for anything.
Recently, Paul and I noticed that Trooper was lethargic and struggling to climb stairs. We both knew something was wrong when he stopped wanting to play fetch or take walks.
The next sign that old us Trooper wasn’t feeling well was when the ever-present sparkle in his eyes was replaced by sadness.
We took him to the First Pet Emergency Clinic to get checked by a veterinarian specializing in emergency care. Dr. Merideth ordered x-rays and a complete blood analysis. Less than two hours later, she told us he was bleeding internally and had a tumour on his kidney.
I sobbed uncontrollably and could barely get the words out when I told Dr. Merideth that I couldn't stand to see him suffer. Paul and I decided to put Trooper down.
Dr. Meredith wheeled Trooper in on a gurney. He was wrapped in warm towels; we could only see his sad eyes. I kissed his cheek, said goodbye and left the room in tears. Paul stayed with Trooper while the vet gave him a sedative injection that caused him to lose consciousness. A high and fatal dose of a drug called sodium pentobarbital followed.
Dr. Meredith's last words were, "It's imperative to allow yourselves time to grieve and heal. Although this was an emotionally difficult decision, it is a selfless act of love."
This may be true, but it sure doesn't take the pain away or heal the huge hole in my heart.
Before we left the clinic, we got a folder with information about grieving the loss of a pet. This folder also had the name and contact details of the grief counsellor at the clinic.
Paul and I looked at the folder the following day. The first paper was a poem titled When Tomorrow Starts Without Me.
When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
Remembering how I'd lay my head
In your lap that special way.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me.
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand.
She said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But, as I turned to heel away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I never thought
That I would have to die.
I had so much to live for,
So many sits and downs to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought about our lives together,
I know you must be sad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
Remember how I'd nudge your hand,
And poke you with my nose?
The frisbee I would gladly chase,
The bad guy, I'd "bark and hold."
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd wag my tail and kiss you,
Just so I could see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me.
And when I thought of treats and toys,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My dog-heart filled with sorrow.
But then I walked through Heaven's gate,
And felt so much at home;
As God looked down and smiled at me,
From His beautiful golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And now we welcome you,
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
For you see, each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
Now you have been so faithful,
So trusting, loyal and true;
Though there were times you did things,
You knew you shouldn't do.
But good dogs are forgiven,
And now at last you're free;
So won't you sit here by my side,
And wait right here with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.
It isn't easy to type with tears in my eyes.
I can’t get it together.
Whenever I see Trooper’s dog bed, I am overcome with sadness. I feel sick to my stomach every time someone asks me, “Where’s Trooper?”
I want to fall into a deep black hole and disappear forever. I miss him terribly and would do anything to bring him back.
Trooper was a member of our family, and his well-being was a top priority. He was my faithful companion, loved me unconditionally, and trusted me to keep him safe and happy.
I let him down!
I feel guilty, ashamed, and responsible for his discomfort and unhappiness. I obviously missed some critical signs. I am very disappointed in myself!
I lost my dearest four-legged friend.
My heart is forever broken.
The love you nd Trooper shared was one of the most fulfilling loves ever! This love continues on even though Trooper is now flying free! You, Pattie dear must forgive yourself for you really didn’t cause this for Trooper, this is what we know awaits all of us! Love of people and pets that we all have lost carry’s through! The memories are always with us, and they sustain us in our losses! I personally believe we have to grieve , but we all must remember what it felt like to be loved by precious Trooper! You must mourn his loss, but can’t allow grieve to swallow you up! I personally belief those we have loved and lost walk beside us each and everyday! We must show gratitude for having known such amazing love, and we must remember we gave all the love we had to give as well! I believe that those who love us, and the ones we have loved never leave us, and someday we will all meet again! I love you Pattie, and I’m counting on you finding the strength to get you and Paul through this loss of precious Trooper! You have each other, and hold on to each other! Know that you both are loved by many! Praying and God bless!
Oh gosh, I am so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking to lose a family member, any family member, and I could feel your pain through your words on the screen. Big hug to you and Paul.